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30 Years of Parents Waving Good-bye

11/21/2024

"30 years of waving goodbye to your parents. Sioux City, Iowa photos on ABC News" was all the text from my friend said. I clicked on the link.

The article is about a photographer who was raised in Sioux City, Iowa and who took a quick snapshot of her parents waving goodbye every time she visited home during the last 27 years of their lives. This Connecticut friend sent me this link knowing I was born and raised in Sioux City and knowing my parents had lived there in the same home for over 50 years.

Most of these are snapshots are quickly taken out of a car window but little things really stand out. In some photos her parents are tightly hugging each other, in some they are caught off guard and aren't even facing the camera, but in almost all of them they are joyfully smiling and happy that their daughter came to visit.

In the last photo of her father, he's leaning heavily on a four-footed cane. In the last photo of her mother, she's struggling to get out of a chair as she smiles and waves with her free hand.

Some of these photos are Thanksgiving photos -- cold weather coats but no Iowa Christmas snow. Still, most of these remind me of both holidays. A total focus on nesting in with your parents during cold weather.

What also makes these photos powerful is that they aren't taken in 27 different places and 27 different angles -- there aren't some at a Thanksgiving table, in front of a Christmas tree, or of dad with a Santa hat. These photos are powerful because they aren't taken at different places and at different angles. They are taken of the same people in the same driveway of the same house.

It's like a time lapse movie. It's the time lapse movie I wish I would have taken.

For me, the most eye-watering verse of any holiday song is the last line in the song "I'll be Home for Christmas." After promising "you can count on me," he details all of the heart-warming things that he is looking forward to -- snow, mistletoe, and presents under the tree. Then he gets to the twist in the punchline. He sings, "I'll be home for Christmas . . . if only in my dreams . . . if only in my dreams." He won't be physically home for Christmas; he's only imagining what it would be like if he were home.

Bing Crosby sang that song in 1943, and I always pictured that it was written from the point-of-view of a soldier or sailor who was overseas fighting in WWII and mistily thinking -- perhaps praying -- what it hopefully would eventually be like to "Be home for Christmas . . . if only in my dreams."

Now that I think of the lyrics -- especially after seeing these photos -- I think they could also have much more finality to them. That is, warmly remembering the Thanksgiving or Christmas of younger years, but knowing that chapter has passed.

When I think of these photos, I think of this song. Next month, every time I hear the song, I'll think of these photos.

I wish I had taken 50 years of photos of my parents waving goodbye in front of our home. I also wish I had spent more time talking with them about . . . whatever . . . instead of being too "busy."

www.newyorker.com/culture/photo-booth/a-photographers-parents-wave-farewell

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Words that Heal Bullying and Body Shaming

10/9/2024

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What do you say to a child who’s been bullied or body shamed?

Being repeatedly fat-shamed and ridiculed can leave lasting scars.  But a new study of 341 bullied teenagers, now an average of 25 years old, shows there are words that can help them recover.

Parents and friends usually try and reframe a nasty comment in a positive way – like telling a fat-shamed teen they are “big-boned” or “curvy.”  There might be better approaches, according to forthcoming research in the International Journal of Child and Human Development.

One approach is to focus on how the bullied person – perhaps unknowingly – makes other people feel good.  “For instance, you might say how their eyes light up the room, or how their smile is infectious,” according to lead researcher Valerie Wansink, from the Lansing Central School District in New York.  “Bullying makes people feel alone and disconnected.  This approach makes them feel connected and valuable.”

A second group of bullied people reported hearing an “anchor” word that eventually became a positive part of their identity.  Being called ‘mesmerizing,’ ‘striking,’ or ‘quietly graceful’ was something that really stuck with people and became part of how they see themselves – even years later.

Boosting up a bullied teen by giving them an anchor word that could influence their identity or by saying how they uniquely influence others isn’t easy.  “The more thought you give to who your child is or who they could be, the more your words might heal,” said Wansink.

Although 32.3% of body shaming related to weight, teens were also attacked because of their height, skin, hair, and specific features such as their nose or teeth.  The most memorably hurtful comments were exaggerated comparisons or derogatory nicknames.  The web-based survey involved an international group of English-speaking people (79.5% female; average age 25.03 years) who had a body shaming or bullying experience as a teenager.

The article is being published in the forthcoming issue of the International Journal of Child and Human Development. The full paper can also be accessed at www.TheThirdLook.org.